This is another Final Girl Film Club review.
In this film, Chuck Norris stops the Book of Revelations from happening. Doesn’t that sound cool? Can’t you just picture Chuck giving a roundhouse to the anti-christ? Or taking down the many-eyed goat while the streets erupt in fire and the angels blow their trumpets? Well, keep dreaming. This isn’t that movie. Besides the goat eyes sported by the main bad guy, here’s the only demon in the entire movie:

There are no cool demons, no skies raining blood. And there are no roundhouses here. There are hardly any fights at all. I mean, I knew this movie was going to be bad, but I hoped for some good fight scenes. Nope. Mostly what we get is Norris standing around staring at things. But maybe this wooden veneer hides a complex subtext…
So the movie starts in 1186 during the Crusades. An emissary of the devil, the pharmaceutically named Prosatanos, is opening diplomatic negotiations between hell and the human world by trying to stab a baby with a huge golden dildo complete with golden nut sack. As he raises his phallus to impale the infant, Prosatanos is pierced with two shafts himself. Then he gets reamed up the backside by a priest. Those priests… Prosatanos is shoved back inside his womb-like tomb, vowing to be born again. Then the king takes his own mighty phallus and chops up the emissary’s golden dildo into nine little pieces. These nine pieces are then scattered around the world so that the phallus may never rise again.
In 1951, Prosatanos is awoken from his slumber. And who, you may ask, awakens him? Two grave-robbing Arabs of course. Yes, two Arabs unleash the forces of hell on the world. Is this an American movie, or what? So anyway, the devil’s emissary is back and has to piece together his broken phallus before he can do any more impaling.
Now the movie skips ahead thirty years to the gritty streets of Chicago. Norris plays a Chicago cop who is supposed to be a tough, Dirty Harry type. Yet mainly he just stands around because I guess it’s tougher to look like you could kick ass than to actually go and kick any. And his name is Shatter. Shatter. But wait, it’s a cool self-referential thing, because the main special effect in this movie is the breaking of glass. People are thrown through windows and against glass shelves, over and over again. So yeah, his name’s Shatter. He discovers a horrible murder in which a rabbi has had his heart ripped out and Chuck Norris is beaten up by the murderer, Prosatanos, who is sporting a mullet longer than Chuck’s. Yes, you heard that right: Chuck Norris is beaten up. Actually, he’s thrown against a wall. Why a guy who can rip people’s hearts from their chests just throws Shatter against a wall is beyond my feeble mind to contemplate. Anyway, clues lead Shatter and his annoying partner to discover the love interest. The love interest serves only to prove Shatter’s manliness to his partner, since heterosexuality for men is actually dependent upon homosocial approval. The partner concedes that Shatter is in fact manly and the story goes on. To Israel.
And here the movie makes a subtle commentary on world politics. First, we are lead to learn that the Israeli police are ineffectual at dealing with their own problems. The Middle East can’t handle itself: check. Then we also learn that Interpol has been following a string of murders but can’t put the pieces together. Europe has all the evidence it needs, but doesn’t have the brains or guts to act: check. So enter America, or at least it’s blonde mulletted emissary. Shatter takes with him his subservient black partner who only thinks about basketball and food. The two of them break local laws and use local thieves to uncover the truth they know is hidden and – voilá! – you’ve got American foreign policy in a neat little mulletted package served piping hot with centuries-old stereotypes.
So this all must build up to a killer fight scene, right? RIGHT? Sadly, no. Yes, there is a fight scene, but it mostly involves Shatter and his partner falling over and Prosatanos playing teleportation hide-and-seek. No martial arts showdown ensues. Instead, Shatter picks up the fallen golden phallus and then throws it at 200 miles an hour, shoving the thing deep within Prosatanos. This causes Prosatanos to light up like a sparkler and explode. Ah, the sweet release. After this pyrotechnic ejaculation, the dildo is back in nine pieces, which are then collected by a guy impersonating Jesus wearing a Mary Magdalene robe. And the movie ends with Shatter not kissing the love interest, because girls are icky. Real men prefer the company of other men.
Now just imagine all this with painfully bad acting, dark lighting, and boring shots and you can rush out right now and remove this movie from your Netflix queue. This is one bad movie.










I just saw the movie JCVD last night and I still haven’t stopped shaking my head in amazement.


